Paralyzed in wait

I’m sure I’ve expressed sentiments like this on some social media, if not blog, in the past – because this is nothing new. But it is an inescapable reality where every cycle between ovulation and menses I literally lose the will to function and just want to lay in bed and meditate on my stomach. I try to interpret every ache or cramp. I try to memorize if this feeling is similar to last cycle or if this is somehow new or different.

So many signals of menstruation are the same as pregnancy that its impossible to really know. Is that a cramp or digestion? Am I peeing more then normal or over hydrating? Over analyzing everything, ignoring any troubling signs (temp drops, cervix feels, pain, even spotting) and just trying to bend will to be what I want. Its exhausting.

I’m way less intense then I was a year ago, and usually less disappointed, but I can’t let it go. This cycle is hitting me harder then usual. This is the 3rd (and last) cycle with Clomid. This is the 3rd month after the Hysterosalpingogram which somehow shows a slight boost in fertility for 3 months after. This month the progesterone was abnormally high on day 21. It teetered my doc into premature excitement and a week later (since my period hadn’t started) she encouraged me to do a HGC test on day 28. This unfortunately fell on last Friday, so this weekend I was literally useless. Now its Monday; its 6 min before they open and who knows, the labs sometimes take over 24 hours to put in results so I might not know till tomorrow anyway and I am useless. My temp has stayed constant and above baseline, my cervix is med and hard – so less promising if you follow FAM secondary fertility signals. I’ve failed two at home pregnancy tests. I feel normal. I’ve had poor sleep and tons of dreams, but that means nothing, and I’m failing to plan the wedding, because all I can do it clear my mind and wait for some stimulus from my stomach.

I thought I was so clever when I thought up Schrödinger Uterus, but I was not the first person to feel this way. I’m actually very sure I’m not as the forums are filled with anxious overly analytical women just like me. But you can over educate yourself all you want regarding your reproductive system and that doesn’t make it work any better. And knowing the odds brings no comfort.

• Chances of conceiving each cycle you try are 25 to 30 percent if you’re under 35 (I’m 33)
• According to a 2003 study published in the journal Human Reproduction, when 346 women ages 20 to 44 timed their intercourse to help them conceive, they had a 38 percent chance of conceiving in one cycle, a 68 percent chance within three cycles, an 81 percent chance within six cycles and a 92 percent chance of getting pregnant within 12 cycles.
• Kirkham ( OB-GYN at Women’s College Hospital and St. Joseph’s Health Centre in Toronto) says 85 percent of women will get pregnant within one year of trying.

Woof. It really sucks to know you are in the failure category. But that being said, I haven’t given up that its possible – it just makes me really anxious right now. I wish my progesterone hadn’t come back so high. When I feel this way, I think about this scene in friends where Monica is upset about her infertility diagnosis:

I know its not a laughing matter, but whenever I’m upset I literally say the the good hostess line, because that’s perfectly how it feels. You are trying to be the best home in this 2 week purgatory where you hope that the egg was ovulated, that the sperm reached it at that small 10 hour window, that in the next 7-10 days it sucessfully traveled to the uterus and found a nice spot to nestle into and that genetically it is a viable and healthy little poppy seed sized bit of nothing.

Today is 16 days past ovulation, which is the day that my cycle has started for the past 5 cycles. So I’m just a touch paralyzed with the odds that my menses will of course start today. I made it to day 18 before starting once. But that’s somehow worse, because once your period is late – you really start letting hope creep in. If you guys can send me positive vibes – I really need them.

The opposite of a New Year’s Resolution

I’m one of those people who love to write lists. I am a pro. I could right pages of bullet points of things I wish to do, intend to do, must do and am mid-process of doing.

Like I could write a list of the things I’d like to do from bed right now:

• Read the next 70 pages of Michelle Obama’s book Becoming
• Play Sailor Moon Drops on my cell phone.
• Write Christmas New Years Cards
• Doodle out a comic idea and water color it in
• Revive 8BitHealey into a new creative business venture where I make tutorial videos, sell craft goods and unleash my inner crafting fiend

But the reality of my list writing ease is once I write it out and feel very, very satisfied at all my effort into that – I struggle to launch into action. I could detail every step I need to make the overall project happen, but I’m still paralyzed. Maybe by guilt of other things I should focus on, or obligations, or letting myself get distracted by silly click games.

So this new year, I’m not making a resolution to accomplish anything in particular, but just to keep moving forward. Almost yearly, I say “Get out of debt” because that would be an amazing weight off my shoulders, but my debt is not a 1 year project. I often want to be healthier, and yes, I’ve gained more weight in this past year then I ever have before and would love to be fit for my summer wedding. I want to burst into January first as the most motivated, enlightened version of myself I have ever been – but I’m 33 years old and I know myself. I know that optimism that with every new notebook, planner, calendar, fresh sheet of paper, Sunday morning, day 1 of a new month, auspicious holiday, whatever – I will suddenly transform into the unstoppable force of Megan. But that never happens. I am at my core, the same sleepy, blanket warmth loving, creature comfort seeking quiet child who can entertain herself for hours doing almost nothing. I know that setting lofty goals of some huge change will burn me out just thinking about it alone. I can’t set daily goals and weekly rewards and stern punishment for myself, because I am both the Sloth and the Judge. I never exact the harsh revenge I excitedly cooked up and hustle to the benchmarks with the enthusiasm I pretend to maintain.

For the past few days, I’ve been trying a new exercise. Instead of list out all the things I wish I could cram in a day and scheduling myself minute by minute, I’ve been writing lists of what I have accomplished as I move through the day. That way, I can look at the clock and say, “You haven’t written anything down yet for the past hour. Whats one small thing you can do off the “to do” list in your head?”

I’m letting myself write down pleasurable things, self care things, simple human needs like glasses of water and meals, as well as all the bigger things I need to make happen throughout the day. Its been easier because I’ve been on holiday and not at work, so I’ve had plenty of time, but I think I can do this practice at work as well.

Here is today’s list so far:

Maybe its silly, but right now – I’m willing to give this a shot because it makes me want to keep writing things down, all those lists I’m great at composing. If the reward is writing it down, maybe this will keep me going forward.

New Blog location

I wanted to bring to your attention that I’m transitioning the Blog from here to Blogger. Please resave bookmarks from this page to here:

http://8bithealey.blogspot.com/

Thank you for all your support!!

Tote Bag making girl

I’ve been busy gearing up for Animazment, where I’ll be selling goods memorial weekend in their artist alley. I want to bring smaller products because I don’t anticipate most people will be expecting to drop 100+ dollars on a quilt they didn’t know they needed UNTIL they see what I can do!

So I’ve been busy making Pokeroses and tote bags.

This was kind of my idea for AZ – Pokeball/pokemon themed and I would hand paint in the pokemon of their choice in the bottom right corner. This was kind of the mock up – so if you had a suggestion for which pokemon I should paint in the corner – let me know!

I also did a custom bag for a client of Winnie the Pooh. Here are some pictures of the middle of making it and finished product.

After I sketch out the design I use my rotary cutter to remove the parts I want to show quilt through. Then I pin the quilted parts into place. and stitch it all together. Then I paint the design on with fabric paint.

Peachy Solution

I had an offer to exhibit my Peach blanket in an art gallery that’s doing an exhibit on 8bit artwork. I would like to participate, but the quilt design they like is not one I have extra laying around. While I have the time to complete the project, I truly need to focus my time on paid gigs, as my financial state is pretty dire. I’ve been trying to think outside the box, and set up a Patreon account, but ultimately – if I don’t sell some quilts immediately, I need to immediately go back to the work force and quilt on the side. I have bleed my bank account dry and have bills piling up.  So back to the main reason I’m blabing about my resources – I’m looking to see if anybody was willing to pay for the Peach quilt now, and receive the blanket in July after the exhibit wraps up. The quilt cost $220 plus shipping and you would receive it in July and my way of saying thank you was I would make two matching pillow shams now to hold over while you wait. You can purchase the quilt here, and in the customer comment section – just mention that its for the exhibit and what kind of icons you would want on your pillow cases. I could do anything as long as its 22×17 pixels in size. I’ve done many pillows already, but I’m very open to anything new!

So go on! BUY this blanket and tell me its for the exhibit and I’ll send you two pillows now and the blanket will arrive in July!